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All of us have
hurts we keep.
All of us have
wounds so deep.

Things we never
tell nor show.
Things we hide,
no one knows.

The pain inside
we try to conceal.
We tell ourselves,
"No, it's not real."

The only way
to escape
is to fight it,
face it straight.

It'll be hard,
but still fight.
It's not easy,
but it's right.

To move forward
is the goal.
Just move, until
you are whole.



Xo,
L.

An Ode to Death

A friend of mine passed away recently, and it made me think about how death affects us, not only when a person physically dies, but when a part of us dies along with the loss of someone. So here goes...

When death does not come
 from physically dying,
When your eyes are dry
 that tears aren't flowing,
When your heart's so numb,
 you can't hear it beating,
When your purpose is gone,
 and you stop existing,

A death that's different,
 not of this world but of the soul;
A painful tragedy,
 one endures in attempt to be whole;
A daily battle trying
 to live or end up losing control;
Yes, it's a death
 all of us are afraid to unfold.

I wanted to write something
 on how to win over this kind of death,
But, I, too, have not overcome it
 nor know what comes next
So for now, this is all I could say,
 as my death has come and haven't left
But when it does, I'll tell you,
 and I'll help you until my last breath.



Xo,
L.

If I let you down

I'm sorry if there were times that I let you down. I'm sorry if you expected something from me and yet I didn't deliver. I'm sorry if I made a promise to you that I didn't keep. I'm so sorry. That's all I could say. I know I can't take it back anymore. I know I've already hurt you. But trust me when I say I didn't mean to. I, too, of course want to match your expectations. I, too, want to deliver. I, too, want to keep my promise. But a part of me, something very dark and deep, keeps me from doing so. Please don't ask me why can't I just overcome it and do it. That all I have to do is be motivated enough and I will be able to do it. It's not that easy. It's like a demon trying to control me and my actions, trying to hold me down from what I really wanted. And everyday, I try to battle it out with it just so I could live. Just so I could survive the day without disappointing you or anyone else further. It's an exhausting thing to do, really. And sometimes, it wins, thus, I let you down, I don't meet your expectations, I don't deliver, I break my promises. It's because during those days, I let it win over me. And it eats me up when I know I lost the battle, when I know I disappointed you. But do know that I am still fighting in this war, that I am trying my best to win. Not even for my sake, but for you.

Xo,
L.

Let Me Build You Up

Let Me Build You Up

Bicol, March 2017

Your fragile heart will keep on beating,

As long as you stay close to Me.

I'll let you see the stars shining,

Once you've let yourself be free.

Stay close to Me, don't let go,

Yes, there'll be tears and pain,

But I will be with you. So,

Don't be afraid to say My name.

My experience in Bicol last March gave me a sense of peace that I never thought I'd feel. It was an affirmation of the longing to be with Him, the promises He has planned for me, and the new purpose that will help me move forward. Yes, we went to different places in Bicol, from the majestic Mayon Volcano, to the serene Bulusan lake, down to the depths of the sea, to the hidden islands and waterfalls of Masbate. It was all God's way of showing His creations that we are so blessed to have. A reminder for me that it's all in our perspective how we will be able to see His gifts and abundant love.

Xo,
L.

To more adventures and dreams

While my momentum is still here, I'll keep on writing as much as I could. First, some back story. This blog has been with me for so long, yet I've never really put much in it since I really don't know what to put as content. Thus it ended up as a blog dump of my random thoughts and feels, which are quite uneventful, depressing, enlightening (in some way). But what I really wanted to make of this was for it to become something where I could share my passions: writing, fashion, and travel. Yes, somewhat like your typical fashion/lifestyle blog out there but at the same time, I want to be different. I don't wanna conform and join the bandwagon of other bloggers out there. I just wanted something that shows depth and a deeper purpose and not just #OOTDs, branded products, travel photos and what not. I want to make this blog more than that. Although, I might still do those things in someways(?).

Fast forward to last week, while I was talking to a friend, she suggested to me why not make it a travel blog with a message. And since I did name my blog "The Adventurous Dreamer", it's going be about my adventures and dreams. So on my upcoming posts, I'll be sharing my travels - the places to go, stories, and tips in life. I'll also post some things about my life working in retail, and in school as well. Just to fulfill the dreamer part of my blog name. hahaha. Yes, they're typical topics but I'll make it as different as I could. :)

I'm really excited to making this project happen and I do hope I could manage to make myself write again. And this time, with a purpose. <3

Xo,
L.

Freedom, finally.

It's been one crazy first quarter of 2017 and as much as I'm enjoying it so far, it wouldn't be so if not for the struggles that comes with it. I've struggled with adjusting at my new work, new term in school (hello, financial management!), service in the community, having a social life, trying to maintain a weekly exercise, saving up but splurging at the same time, and balancing it all together is the craziest of them all.

But despite of it all, I finally found peace within and while doing these things and I've moved forward. I've struggled for the past years but now I think I am finally free. I've felt that I am no longer bound to the depths of the darkness that consumed me and I am slowly being carried to the place where I am meant to be all along - His. I still have some battles I need to overcome but seeing where I am now and where I used to be, I am confident that He will see me through. I know He will be there with me as I continue moving forward, just like when He stood by me during the tough times (even if I didn't pay attention or disregarded it completely).

My only prayer now is that I may continue to move forward, and get to know Him more as I do. As close as the Father is with His son. And I hope I could, with struggles and all.


With that, I now know what I could use this blog for. <3

Xo,
L.

032617

I've told myself I'll start writing again, and I am. I've managed to write some words and made up lines that turned into a poem. And now, seeing that I don't have anyone else to talk to, I'm writing here. I don't write because I'm lonely, I write to remind myself that I could still do something even if I'm alone. I have this with me when things aren't going so well in real life. I have this where no judgement is passed on nor empathy, which I don't mind since I'm used to it. I write here because this is the only place where I can let myself express what I feel without having to worry about who reads it, who knows about what I'm going through and what they think of me. Yeah sure, I'd love it if people who know me knows what I'm going through, but I know it's best if they don't, unless of course they're willing to get to know me. Me who's writing here, not the version they see on my Instagram feed.

It's sad to how we judge people based on their lives in social media. Sure it brings people together, but only those who we want to connect to, and sometimes, there are those who needed it but doesn't say it out loud.

Xo,
L.

Never too late to start over

So it's been a while since I've opened my blog. Partly because I'm a lazy girl who thinks it's too tedious to write, despite the fact how much I crave to write stories and things. Another one is because I've been caught up with so many things lately (hello, new work!) that I can't squeeze it in nor focus on it. But now that I'm here, I'll try my best (again!) to write about things. Really hoping I can push myself into posting more this year and me catching up to all the backlogged photos from last year is definitely a good sign. And I'm got a little motivated to post about my travels so hopefully (!!!) I can do that also. lol.

Xo,
L.

Visions: 082416

A few days ago, somebody asked me about my visions. She asked what do I see when I imagine myself 30 or 40 years from now. And honestly, I didn't know what to answer at first. Yes, I did have my goals and dreams that I wanted to fulfill, but having a clear picture of what I would look like, where I would be, and what I would be doing really hadn't crossed my mind yet. Heck, I don't even wanna imagine how old my face would look with wrinkles and gray hair (It's kind of scary to think about. lol). But since we were already in the topic, I started thinking.

First thing that I could imagine was waking up in bed, with the person that I love, the sun being bright and shiny on the outside and the waves of the ocean crashing in the shore can be seen and heard coming from our window. A picture of a beginning that is about to be a good and peaceful day. And I liked it. It gave me a sense of future to hope for. Something that I want to make real. Thus, I'll try to write down my visions, since this is the only talent that I have (I can't draw, sorry!), or maybe find a photo to describe it.

For tonight, I see myself having dinner and drinking wine with my special person, just the two of us, sitting at the porch, looking at the sky and the sea. Just having conversation and laughing about things. That I was happy. Contented. Peaceful.

Credits to whoever owns this photo! :)

I'm pretty sure most of my visions will sort of be something cheesy or romantic, as I am like that. Haha. Can't wait to see what else can my mind think of.

Xo,
L.

World Youth Day 2016: A Journey of a Pilgrim

So, it's been almost a week since I've come back home from Europe and from attending the World Youth Day. And it's been almost a week since I've tried to talk to myself to process everything and write it down here. I tried to think of how and what it should look like when other people read it. I want it to be inspiring or something that would be at least worth other people's time. But somehow, I have never tried to begin writing and prolong it. Now, however, I knew that the momentum of writing it will never happen until I start and whether it will make a difference to others is something I can no longer control. So here I am at two in the morning writing to try and share the experience (and because my body clock is still whacked). 

I knew joining the World Youth Day would give me something to hope for, to bring back what I once felt - His love. And yet, He gave me more than that. More than His love, He showed me mercy, grace and hope using the places, the people, and the circumstances. Something I needed to start getting my life back on track. And I could feel the wheels are slowly turning. It was quite an unforgettable journey beginning from the Days of the Diocese in Legionowo and during the WYD proper. Life changing isn't even enough of a word to describe it.

DAYS IN THE DIOCESE - LEGIONOWO

The town that was assigned to host us was in the outskirts of Warsaw, Poland's main city, called Legionowo. It was the first time I heard about it and if not for this, I think I wouldn't even get a chance to know it in my lifetime. It was a small district but it had a heart big enough to welcome all of us pilgrims. Our host parish - St. Joseph, betrothed to the Virgin Mary - had some of the kindest and most hospitable people I've ever met. The volunteers, the priests and the host families welcomed us and accommodated us way more than we expected.

Although I did expect too much, I thought I would be in a family just like the others - with cars, big houses and cool family. Instead, I was hosted by two grandparents who do not speak English and likes walking - a lot.  I suppressed my disappointment knowing that I should be grateful, and that God made it happen because it was all part of His plan. It was tough to communicate, but we managed. My housemate, Nike, and I call them Lolo and Lola since it was tough to pronounce their names. They're lives were simple, and it taught me humility. That life is beautiful in its simplicity - without the glitz and the glamour that the world is telling us to aspire for. It taught me that I should be grateful for the things I have in my life, as it was already more than what others have. And spending time with them was really an effort - something I realized I needed to do. If I could make an effort just to speak to them in Polish, what more with my family that were miles away. Being with Lolo and Lola gave my heart the much-needed push (and exercise!).

For a week, they prepared activities to keep us busy and for us to get to know their culture, history and people. We had tours, concerts, polish dance lessons, film viewing, sports festival, and even a disco night! What struck me the most was the film about the life of Karol Wojtyla, before he became known as St. John Paul II. I was immensely touched by his story, as I knew him only as the Pope before he became a saint. All along, he, too, was just like us who had big dreams and followed God's calling. Who would have thought that a student like him could change the lives of his country? He who only sees the good in people and forgives those who have wronged him, he who had nothing still didn't give up hope and fought for his beliefs and his country. His life was so monumental and it's what I hope my life would impart or at least even a little bit.

It was tiring indeed, but the energy we lost was replaced instantly by the friendships we've built in the small community. The volunteers, who warmly welcomed us and helped us with our needs, became our friends through a bond that is shared in Christ. The cheers and laughter that echo throughout the town as we walk along the streets, the Polish words and songs we try to learn and the Filipino words we try to teach, the numerous photos we had when one is never enough, the tears we shed as we parted ways only to be dedicatedly reunited in Krakow, these are the moments when the only language we needed was love - His love.

WORLD YOUTH DAY 2016 - KRAKOW

Leaving Legionowo was difficult as we have come to love the place and the people but it was time for us to continue the pilgrimage we have set out to do. We arrived in Krakow Glowny filled with excitement as the World Youth Day officially commences. Our next host parish, St. Michael the Archangel, was a challenge to go to, however. We were relocated in a farther town of Wielickza, where the last station of the train is. We are also housed to a family who lived in a town next to Pawlikowice, who was kind and did their best to welcome us. It was an enduring walk from our house going to the parish and then to the city of Krakow but fortunately, the long walks with our Lolo prepared me for what is to come. I surely couldn't have survived it if not for the exercise I had back in Legionowo. Indeed, God really had it all planned.

Our time in our parish was longer than the others as we were chosen to serve for the catechesis. It cut out our time to experience the city and the youth festivals but I was happy to be able to serve and to listen to the words of the priests, which includes our very own Cardinal Tagle. We even saw the installation of my guardian angel St. Michael the Archangel's statue in our parish. Unfortunately, my body's condition was not good which led me to stay in a hospital for a day, had a fever and an almost sprained ankle. But I understood what He was doing to me that time, He was challenging me to my limits as to how far am I willing to give for Him. And I was ready to give everything I've got. I fought the exhaustion and fatigue in order for me to hear His message. All of it was worth it when we got to see a glimpse of Pope Francis and when we listen to his messages for us. The speeches and homilies he gave pierced through my heart and it was the moment I had prayed for. The moment I could feel Him back in my life again.

It's a life-changing experience for me, and words will never be enough to express how I felt, but here are some of the things that God shared to me through Pope Francis:

Mercy and Forgiveness

It was hard for me to accept the reality of what my life had become. It was harder to accept that I let it happen - my actions, decisions, and choices made it so. Not only was I consumed by the stress of the world around me; I was also in a battle with myself. My mind was always pre-occupied by negative thoughts and it ate me up deep inside.

Things started to change from the moment we had our preparatory session for the World Youth Day. I was able to have a good confession. Something I haven't done for the past years. I felt relieved and the burden I was carrying started to become lighter. And upon hearing Pope Francis' homily during the opening mass, I felt His mercy. "In the art of climbing, it is not important to not fall, but to not remain fallen", he said. I felt Him saying that I was forgiven, and that it was time for me to forgive myself. It also taught me to forgive those that have hurt me or caused me pain, to accept others' mistakes and shortcomings and the fact that there will be people out there who are causing others' so much suffering, but we can only love them and forgive them. Just as the theme says, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy".

Healing and Grace

As I have received mercy, I felt my heart and my mind's posture had changed. I have finally felt the peace that I longed for. I found it in Him. No matter where I looked before, it still made me empty. Now, my heart is full. "Begin to let yourself move on", He said to me during the opening mass. He knew that my heart can no longer come back to the darkness it was in and it is time for me to step into His light. It was my sign to leave the past behind, to let go of the things that hurt me, and to free myself from those that saddens me. It was the affirmation of the decision I have been discerning for the past months. And I felt no regret. He has healed me from the worries and the suffering I endured. Now He is allowing me to continue and use my life to share His mercy.

During the vigil, I had another chance to confess. The priest told me that when we confess, God gives us two things: First, is the absolution and forgiveness of our sin, second, the grace to continue living. We are all sinners, but our sins should not hinder us in serving the Lord. We should not be afraid to come back if we have sinned. If we are, He will patiently wait for you. He will not force you even if it breaks His heart. But yes, He is merciful. He forgives. Thus, when the time comes, all we have to do is ask for it and admit that we need Him. Then we can keep living our lives in His image again. We are to continue our pursuit to live like Christ despite our faults.

Hope and Courage

Hope. This is what Pope Francis kept on telling us during the whole event. It is the purpose of gathering everyone from all over the world. To show that there is hope, to show that the youth is the hope, and we, as the youth, need to share this hope to everyone. We need to be the sowers of hope. As Pope Francis mentioned during the Way of the Cross, it is the way to happiness, but it is also a way of personal effort and self-sacrifice. It is a way that does not fear failure and marginalization, even in the world that is unjust and corrupt. Life lived through the way of the cross gives rise to the light of Christ. We are to become the hope that this world needs. We need to forgive others and instead give joy to those who are unhappy. We are to unite in prayer and empathize with those who are suffering. We are called to respond through fraternity. We need to build bridges and not walls. We are to awaken ourselves from slumber and stand up to walk the path He has set out for us, no longer afraid of the darkness of the world.

Now that my life is slowly coming around, I give it to Him for I am filled with His hope, mercy and love. And I know He wants me to share it. I lay it down to Him whatever my future will be. He gives me courage to take on this new chapter in my life. He is merciful. He is love.

"Life is beautiful as long as we want to love it, as long as we leave a mark."
-Pope Francis

Xo,
L.

Life as you know it

So it's been a while since I have visited my own blog. But it never stopped me from writing, or should I say think about things that I wanted to write about. I just never had the time or energy to do actually write it. Now's a different case, though I still don't have enough time to write it since I need to finish a lot of work.

I just watched Boyhood, a film that tells the life of a boy named Mason growing up. Yes, there's been a lot of life story-based films or films about growing up, but what made this one different is that it captured the life of its character through the same actor in the span of 12 years. All those events, milestones, challenges that each of us have gone through from childhood to adulthood has been well depicted in this film.

And it made me realize how life can simply just pass by. Those 12 years summarized in a 2-hour film. Cutting out those normal, uneventful days and simply focusing on special occasions, life changes, decisions (good or bad). I realized that when we die, after living our lives and working hard for so many years we will only be remembered by that summary they will be compiling. Those moments that stood out from the rest will be the only ones people will remember. It's those that we need to make sure are good things about us since soon enough, we will all be nothing but a memory in this world.

I've just turned 25 and sometimes I see myself looking back in all those years that flew by just like that. A decade ago I was a teenager struggling with the life of a high school-er and now I'm this supposedly adult who's having a hard time keeping up with life (but still made her life harder by going to grad school). It's not that easy to absorb, and to accept the fact that we are getting old, we are going to age. The next generations will replace us, they'll be the new yuppies while we become seniors.

It made me think of the memories I've collected and how much more do I need to have to keep that "summary" of me as good as I want it to be. But in order for me to have those, I need to have to share it with people - a lot of them. But right now, going through the tough times makes me want to hide and be alone. Sometimes, I even want to disappear and be remembered as who I am now. It is difficult to fight against those feelings but I have to. If I wanted to people to remember me as someone they loved, someone who inspired them, I need to fight. I need to get a move on from being stuck and enjoy everyday as it is my last. I need to create good memories as much as possible, and even keep some bad ones if people will learn from it.

It's not that easy though. Thinking about it is tiring enough let alone push myself to do it. But I will try. I need to keep telling myself to at least try even if my mind knows I won't. We'll see.

Xo,
L.

Hello, Quarter Life!

Guess it's time to accept that I am a quarter of a century old. As I look back these past few years living as an "adult" living in the "real world", I realized that quarter-life crisis was real. Like REAL. Here were some of my stories how that said crisis happened:

21 was the year you got out of college and you are allowed to explore the opportunities, as well as get your ideal world broken by life's hardships. You applied to that dream job of yours only to wait for a call that will never come. Then you end up to a not-so-bad job with a not-so-good salary which you spent on worthless things just because it's your OWN hard-earned money.

22 was the year for fun and adventure and never-ending parties. You got the hang of balancing your life between friends, families versus work and mastered the art of coming straight to work after partying all night - with or without hangovers. 

23 was the year of feeling exhausted from the year before and it made you indifferent and stressed all the time. You slowly drift away and just to normal things and start losing your "true" self. You stopped caring altogether and became a robot.

24 was the year for pushing yourself forward and making things happen after a year in the dark. You decided that nothing will happen if you didn't do anything. Go book that ticket/s and travel the world. Take that class that you want. Talk to a friend you haven't seen for a long time. Expand your circle, meet new people.

This can just be me or someone else is feeling the same. Maybe it's because I am getting older and slowly becoming this old lady with a lot of cats, though I much prefer dogs. lol. 25 ain't that bad - yet. :)

Xo,
L.

A God full of surprises

I haven't been able to write for the past months since I have been quite busy, or lazy, but now I am writing not just to post something but to engrave a memory of a very special event in my life - seeing Pope Francis.

Before I begin sharing my experience, here's just a small backstory. For a while now, I have been feeling a little (or more) lost with my life. I know I haven't been the best version of myself and that I have lost the fire that lit up the path which I am supposed to take. For the past year I have lived under stress, negativity, depression, hopelessness, fear, sadness and any other things which I thought I already had overcome now that I am an adult. Instead, I fell deeper and farther away from who I was or who I wanted to become and went back to being this scared, insecure kid that I am before. All because I didn't hold on to what was really important: my relationship with Him. And without it, I have done things that I know I shouldn't, hurt people I didn't want to and forgotten what it is like to live knowing that God loves me. Simply put, it's kind of like my quarter-life crisis. Haha.

So yeah, having that kind of posture in my heart, I wasn't really all psyched about the Papal visit. First, I had work on the day of his arrival and departure. Second, I really don't like the idea of going with the crowd and bracing the massive obstacle to see the Pope. But at the same time, I wanted the experience of knowing what it's like to see him and feel his presence. Well, okay, and to join the bandwagon of people saying they saw the Pope and have photos/videos up in Facebook or Instagram to show it. But even so, I really wasn't that eager to get out of my comfort zone and brave the masses. And yet, I signed up for the Pope's encounter with the Youth held at UST, my alma matter. Thus, one more reason to attend and I did.

For several hours, we waited outside España blvd until they open the gates. Then one by one we entered and got squished by people pushing their way to get in. I was stressed already just by passing the gate. Then, we searched for seats and stayed there praying we can be near the Pope. Unfortunately, he didn't pass through our area and I was disappointed since I got my hopes up that maybe he will and that it was be my only chance to see him (Luneta was too intense for me). I just thought that maybe it will change everything for me. But I told myself to move on and just enjoy the presence of being with the Pope in UST. And so I did.

It was quite hard to focus on the program since it rained and the speakers weren't that loud to overpower the raindrops. But one thing did struck me during his impromptu speech. Here's the excerpt from Rappler:

"Love surprises because it opens a dialogue of loving and being loved. God is a God of surprise because He loved us first. God awaits us to surprise us. Let us allow ourselves to be surprised by God... God reveals himself through surprises."

It was such a perfect message for me since I told myself during my 24th birthday that this year will be a year full of surprises and true enough, the Pope shares that message and affirms it. Isn't that awesome or what? Affirming that message somehow tells me that God is there for me to surprise me with things I can only dream of. And that He shows His love through those surprises since He knows me so well that I do love surprises and it will affect me whatever surprise it may be.

Thus, despite not seeing him close, nor getting even a good photo, and my still-disappointed self, I focused on that message and kept thinking of the better things that are yet to come (a.k.a. WYD 2016!). I do believe it wasn't the right time for me to be close to him since my heart was not in the right place and other people are far more deserving, or may badly needed it. It was enough for me. It was enough to remind me that He is still the one who controls my life, who gives and takes, who loves and shares it all. He is a God who shows his compassion to everyone. And even Pope Francis, lives by it.

And that ends my experience with Pope Francis, while he was here. Oh and the 24 hour no-sleep, no-ligo experience. lol.

But the surprises that he told came right away. Just this afternoon, I was informed by my boss that I will be sent to Singapore for a couple of days to attend a training. I mean, how timely was that!? I just can't believe it. Thus I am writing it down here to remember that God is indeed full of surprises.

Xo,
L.

Before I think too deeply

I've just recently realized that Christmas is coming, and so is my birthday. Yet as I grow older, I seem to care less about it both. Either because I'm too busy to notice or too scared to admit that I am getting older, or both. And I think that's because this past year has been quite a confusing moment for me. Quite like a pre-quarter life crisis, if there is such a thing. Or maybe this is my quarter life crisis already. Hmm.

As this year comes to an end, I still do not know where to begin for the next nor know where to pick myself up from as I am as lost as to where I am now or where I am going. It just sucks that even if I do have a hint of what I really want, this me, this person who I've become, isn't letting me move forward and go walk towards my dreams. Along with all my doubts, fears, insecurities, and all my crap, I am not able to move beyond this rut that I am in, and what's more, I'm starting to feel settled. And I am so scared of myself having to settle with this and just dream what could have been if I were to push forward. Or maybe, I am just aiming too high, for the impossible, that what's really meant for me is just this. That those aren't really something that's for me. That I should be contented with what I have going on right now. See my dilemma? It's so freaking confusing and frustrating to fight against myself with these questions every single day of my life. Thus, I am really not ready yet to face the truth that I am getting older and in reality, getting older means getting your shit together, which I clearly do not have any chance of improvement.

I wish I could just escape and write forever. Or just read and watch love stories. They aren't perfect, but mostly get their happy ending. (lolwhat)

Xo,
L.

Random thought 10-10

Seems like I still dream of the moment I will meet that special person for me. And it seems like it's becoming more of just a dream as time goes by. But I'll never lose hope that one day, he will. And a whole new journey filled with adventures, good or bad, await us. I don't care if it's gonna be a long time waiting, I just sure wish it's gonna be worth everything. Or even better than what I've dreamt of.

But yes I do think about it almost everyday. Almost. 

Xo,

L.

Random thoughts 09-20

I've longed for the day to finally meet the person I will be falling in love with and I know that he won't be coming anytime soon so long until everything in my life will fall into place and he will be the last rose petal to drop. I know I've got to find myself first, come clean with my baggages and get it together before he arrives. And I know it will be a really long wait. But I've got no choice than to deal with it. And like the child that I am, I tend to become impatient, insecure and afraid of the uncertainty of him really ever coming. Still, I am proud to say that I never did anything (bad, I mean) to distract myself while he's on his way. I am doing the best I could to be the best version of myself. But to no avail, I have yet to gain a step closer. Therefore, it goes to my conclusion that it'll take some time before he gets here. And I have yet to know what will happen when it does. And it scares me. 

Xo,

L.

The way it used to be

Do you miss the moments where everything just seem so perfect? It's as if your life is perfect and couldn't get any better? And I know it did. But having experienced the highs in life makes you compare those that aren't of the same equivalent level of happiness or even makes some unfortunate experience seem worse than it really is. 

Such are the moments when we have so much of everything that when it is taken away, you feel like life would never be the same without it.

And it just eats you up knowing you don't have that much anymore. You wish you do or know you will get them back in the future that you tend to look forward to that ideal and compare the present with it. Of course, it keeps you seeing the present as something temporal which you have to deal with while you get back up again. 

It's sucks to think like that because you miss out on the things that you currently have without those that you ideally want. And you'll never notice how these things may worth more than you want. And through highs and lows, what you hve now will still be there even if the highs are gone.

I know it doesn't make any sense. But maybe it does?

Xo,

L.

Random thought 06-14

Lately I've been having a hard time accepting and transitioning towards the real situation that's going on in my life - growing up. I've been so used to the comfortable life that I've had since I was young and now it seems like everything's gone serious all of a sudden. All the things that I'm thinking about are the things that worries me. Things that I never even had to take care of before. Now it's all up in there in my to-do list. 

But on top of the list right now is to understand myself and look for who I really am. I know what kind of person I want to become, but if I'm not meant to be one, then what now? I'm telling myself to be more mature but it ends up me being all childish and succumbing to my impulses and insecurities. Growing up is not easy. If it was, then I wouldn't even be sulking and wandering the world seeking for answers. 

I'm sure what I wrote above doesn't make sense. That's kind of my life right now. Everything is all in there waiting for me to decide which to follow and what to do. But like I said before, I am torn apart by the thought of who I want be and who I am meant to be. It's hard to move forward without knowing any chances of getting there and it's too much of a risk to only end up failing in the future, which is one of the things that scares me the most. I am so afraid to fail at life that I want to know the answers about who I am and what I am meant to do. I care too much about it that it eats me up and hides me behind my old childish self that only cares about herself. 

I know who I am right now but the me now is not who I want to be. And I am sure that I am also not meant to be like this. However, if this is a part of who I am becoming, then I have no choice but to force myself to be different. I know that would be going against fate or whatever but I would definitely try to become someone better than my current self.

For now, I shall just end this with a photo of me not looking so young anymore (thanks to the power of cosmetics. lol). Do I look 23 now? :P

Xo,
L.

Random thoughts (in the morning) 06-07

Lately, I've been having this feeling in me that something is missing in my life, aside from sleep, that is. Not that I'm not grateful or anything, but, it's just doesn't make me feel happy. My head's all filled up with things that I've gotta do and the list is long. Balancing work and school is really tough but I'm okay with that. It's not what I'm ranting about. I guess I just miss the times where life seems to be fun and easy. Now, everything's all serious and nothing seems to make me contented nor make my mind at peace. There'll always be a part of me that's looking for something more.

I guess this is just me being lonely. Feeling that through all of this, I am alone and no one understands what I'm going through. Or maybe no one cares. Of all the things, I hate this the most. I hate that I am like this, that I am where I am because I chose this. But I know time will come where I'll be up in this depressing situation and be back to my usual self, which is kind of a problem too, by the way. Who am I, really? I've so many perception of what kind of person I really am but I don't know if I am all of those or it's just a perception of what I want, or who I'm trying to become. I thought I have found myself, or should I say, I've gotten a sense of a new part of me that I wanted to be, when I went away but what it only did to me was make me fat.

Right now, I am at a loss of what to do. Of who I should be. Things go against each other with what I want and who I have to be. Does it even makes sense? Can I even be in two worlds and live in between? Or choosing to be in both means I will never be contented and happy because I won't experience the best of both worlds? So I only have to choose one and just see the other world but not live it?

I just realized, writing this concretize the thoughts that's in my head for a while now. That's what I love about writing, it makes you think of what to write and you end up organizing your thoughts and understand yourself more in the process. But I still don't have an answer to my questions.

Xo,
L.

Of being hurt and keeping anger

We've all felt hurt or disappointed at one point in our lives. And sometimes, that feeling introduces us to another emotion - anger. When you've been hurt by someone, sometimes it makes you think of how or why do they do things that hurt you. Be it intentionally or not, they will end up hurting you and don't you ever question how can they do it when they know it will hurt you? Or better yet, do they know you enough to know that you will feel hurt by that certain action? I know it's twisted, but I'm just saying that those shouldn't even cross their mind if they care about you, or they should think twice whether you will be hurt or not before doing something. Those questions  are what sparks the anger coming from the hurts and frustrations of one certain action by the ones we love. Because, you know that if it's the other way around, you wouldn't be doing that to them.

I don't even know what hurts more, the action that hurt you or the fact that they didn't even know or care enough that that action will hurt you. And it's freaking frustrating going round and round without finding an answer. It just makes you angry. And being filled with anger will just make it worse, but sometimes, it's better, sometimes it's okay to let them feel that anger and let them realize that they've hurt you, right?

It's hard to let go of anger and giving forgiveness, especially if you're the one who's hurt, if you were the one who has done nothing wrong. It makes you think like how can you forgive and let go when they didn't understand what you were feeling and might possibly hurt you again. It's so twisted that it's hard to get a grip on that it will make you the bad person when you confront them and wouldn't even get an apology. So what's there to forgive, right?

So rather than going against them nor succumbing to being the one that has to bow down, I'd rather be indifferent. I'd rather be cold and not care than to care and just be hurt. It's a less stress feeling.

Indifference is just something to coat a hurting heart and it's rare for people to notice when someone is being indifferent. Heck, you can keep feeling hurt forever and be indifferent and those around you who doesn't care enough to know who you really are wouldn't even notice. Sucks, right?

It's okay to feel hurt, or angry, or be indifferent, but you have to have a certain breaking point of when it can go. Do not push yourself farther away because you might never see the chance for you to change it. It's not good to dwell on things but we all have to go through it. Though it's not that easy, I know, but you'll get there.

Xo,

L.