Before I think too deeply

I've just recently realized that Christmas is coming, and so is my birthday. Yet as I grow older, I seem to care less about it both. Either because I'm too busy to notice or too scared to admit that I am getting older, or both. And I think that's because this past year has been quite a confusing moment for me. Quite like a pre-quarter life crisis, if there is such a thing. Or maybe this is my quarter life crisis already. Hmm.

As this year comes to an end, I still do not know where to begin for the next nor know where to pick myself up from as I am as lost as to where I am now or where I am going. It just sucks that even if I do have a hint of what I really want, this me, this person who I've become, isn't letting me move forward and go walk towards my dreams. Along with all my doubts, fears, insecurities, and all my crap, I am not able to move beyond this rut that I am in, and what's more, I'm starting to feel settled. And I am so scared of myself having to settle with this and just dream what could have been if I were to push forward. Or maybe, I am just aiming too high, for the impossible, that what's really meant for me is just this. That those aren't really something that's for me. That I should be contented with what I have going on right now. See my dilemma? It's so freaking confusing and frustrating to fight against myself with these questions every single day of my life. Thus, I am really not ready yet to face the truth that I am getting older and in reality, getting older means getting your shit together, which I clearly do not have any chance of improvement.

I wish I could just escape and write forever. Or just read and watch love stories. They aren't perfect, but mostly get their happy ending. (lolwhat)

Xo,
L.

Random thought 10-10

Seems like I still dream of the moment I will meet that special person for me. And it seems like it's becoming more of just a dream as time goes by. But I'll never lose hope that one day, he will. And a whole new journey filled with adventures, good or bad, await us. I don't care if it's gonna be a long time waiting, I just sure wish it's gonna be worth everything. Or even better than what I've dreamt of.

But yes I do think about it almost everyday. Almost. 

Xo,

L.

Random thoughts 09-20

I've longed for the day to finally meet the person I will be falling in love with and I know that he won't be coming anytime soon so long until everything in my life will fall into place and he will be the last rose petal to drop. I know I've got to find myself first, come clean with my baggages and get it together before he arrives. And I know it will be a really long wait. But I've got no choice than to deal with it. And like the child that I am, I tend to become impatient, insecure and afraid of the uncertainty of him really ever coming. Still, I am proud to say that I never did anything (bad, I mean) to distract myself while he's on his way. I am doing the best I could to be the best version of myself. But to no avail, I have yet to gain a step closer. Therefore, it goes to my conclusion that it'll take some time before he gets here. And I have yet to know what will happen when it does. And it scares me. 

Xo,

L.

The way it used to be

Do you miss the moments where everything just seem so perfect? It's as if your life is perfect and couldn't get any better? And I know it did. But having experienced the highs in life makes you compare those that aren't of the same equivalent level of happiness or even makes some unfortunate experience seem worse than it really is. 

Such are the moments when we have so much of everything that when it is taken away, you feel like life would never be the same without it.

And it just eats you up knowing you don't have that much anymore. You wish you do or know you will get them back in the future that you tend to look forward to that ideal and compare the present with it. Of course, it keeps you seeing the present as something temporal which you have to deal with while you get back up again. 

It's sucks to think like that because you miss out on the things that you currently have without those that you ideally want. And you'll never notice how these things may worth more than you want. And through highs and lows, what you hve now will still be there even if the highs are gone.

I know it doesn't make any sense. But maybe it does?

Xo,

L.

Random thought 06-14

Lately I've been having a hard time accepting and transitioning towards the real situation that's going on in my life - growing up. I've been so used to the comfortable life that I've had since I was young and now it seems like everything's gone serious all of a sudden. All the things that I'm thinking about are the things that worries me. Things that I never even had to take care of before. Now it's all up in there in my to-do list. 

But on top of the list right now is to understand myself and look for who I really am. I know what kind of person I want to become, but if I'm not meant to be one, then what now? I'm telling myself to be more mature but it ends up me being all childish and succumbing to my impulses and insecurities. Growing up is not easy. If it was, then I wouldn't even be sulking and wandering the world seeking for answers. 

I'm sure what I wrote above doesn't make sense. That's kind of my life right now. Everything is all in there waiting for me to decide which to follow and what to do. But like I said before, I am torn apart by the thought of who I want be and who I am meant to be. It's hard to move forward without knowing any chances of getting there and it's too much of a risk to only end up failing in the future, which is one of the things that scares me the most. I am so afraid to fail at life that I want to know the answers about who I am and what I am meant to do. I care too much about it that it eats me up and hides me behind my old childish self that only cares about herself. 

I know who I am right now but the me now is not who I want to be. And I am sure that I am also not meant to be like this. However, if this is a part of who I am becoming, then I have no choice but to force myself to be different. I know that would be going against fate or whatever but I would definitely try to become someone better than my current self.

For now, I shall just end this with a photo of me not looking so young anymore (thanks to the power of cosmetics. lol). Do I look 23 now? :P

Xo,
L.

Random thoughts (in the morning) 06-07

Lately, I've been having this feeling in me that something is missing in my life, aside from sleep, that is. Not that I'm not grateful or anything, but, it's just doesn't make me feel happy. My head's all filled up with things that I've gotta do and the list is long. Balancing work and school is really tough but I'm okay with that. It's not what I'm ranting about. I guess I just miss the times where life seems to be fun and easy. Now, everything's all serious and nothing seems to make me contented nor make my mind at peace. There'll always be a part of me that's looking for something more.

I guess this is just me being lonely. Feeling that through all of this, I am alone and no one understands what I'm going through. Or maybe no one cares. Of all the things, I hate this the most. I hate that I am like this, that I am where I am because I chose this. But I know time will come where I'll be up in this depressing situation and be back to my usual self, which is kind of a problem too, by the way. Who am I, really? I've so many perception of what kind of person I really am but I don't know if I am all of those or it's just a perception of what I want, or who I'm trying to become. I thought I have found myself, or should I say, I've gotten a sense of a new part of me that I wanted to be, when I went away but what it only did to me was make me fat.

Right now, I am at a loss of what to do. Of who I should be. Things go against each other with what I want and who I have to be. Does it even makes sense? Can I even be in two worlds and live in between? Or choosing to be in both means I will never be contented and happy because I won't experience the best of both worlds? So I only have to choose one and just see the other world but not live it?

I just realized, writing this concretize the thoughts that's in my head for a while now. That's what I love about writing, it makes you think of what to write and you end up organizing your thoughts and understand yourself more in the process. But I still don't have an answer to my questions.

Xo,
L.

Of being hurt and keeping anger

We've all felt hurt or disappointed at one point in our lives. And sometimes, that feeling introduces us to another emotion - anger. When you've been hurt by someone, sometimes it makes you think of how or why do they do things that hurt you. Be it intentionally or not, they will end up hurting you and don't you ever question how can they do it when they know it will hurt you? Or better yet, do they know you enough to know that you will feel hurt by that certain action? I know it's twisted, but I'm just saying that those shouldn't even cross their mind if they care about you, or they should think twice whether you will be hurt or not before doing something. Those questions  are what sparks the anger coming from the hurts and frustrations of one certain action by the ones we love. Because, you know that if it's the other way around, you wouldn't be doing that to them.

I don't even know what hurts more, the action that hurt you or the fact that they didn't even know or care enough that that action will hurt you. And it's freaking frustrating going round and round without finding an answer. It just makes you angry. And being filled with anger will just make it worse, but sometimes, it's better, sometimes it's okay to let them feel that anger and let them realize that they've hurt you, right?

It's hard to let go of anger and giving forgiveness, especially if you're the one who's hurt, if you were the one who has done nothing wrong. It makes you think like how can you forgive and let go when they didn't understand what you were feeling and might possibly hurt you again. It's so twisted that it's hard to get a grip on that it will make you the bad person when you confront them and wouldn't even get an apology. So what's there to forgive, right?

So rather than going against them nor succumbing to being the one that has to bow down, I'd rather be indifferent. I'd rather be cold and not care than to care and just be hurt. It's a less stress feeling.

Indifference is just something to coat a hurting heart and it's rare for people to notice when someone is being indifferent. Heck, you can keep feeling hurt forever and be indifferent and those around you who doesn't care enough to know who you really are wouldn't even notice. Sucks, right?

It's okay to feel hurt, or angry, or be indifferent, but you have to have a certain breaking point of when it can go. Do not push yourself farther away because you might never see the chance for you to change it. It's not good to dwell on things but we all have to go through it. Though it's not that easy, I know, but you'll get there.

Xo,

L.

Random thought 05-10

Have you ever experience a point in your life where things are really starting to change and it is inevitable and all you have to do is move forward to the unknown? Like how you now have to face things that you didn't think you will, or just not right now? That's how my life is going. Awesome, huh?

This year has been slowly urging me to move forward and at the same time makes it feel like I've been dragging my ass just to get to things over with. My emotions are completely contradicting and I feel like I have to get out of here and just be somewhere else. Like being in a box, it's sort of caging me in a way that I have no control, or should I say, it's getting out of control and shutting me in. I am deeply enjoying everything but sometimes, I think about the things that are out there that I would love to do. And it makes me less grateful for what I have now and I feel so bad for thinking that way.

Everything's just going too fast with me chasing around just to get my life back.

I know it's complicated. Sorry.

Xo,
L.

Social Media=Social Life?

So after watching Transcendence a week ago, it sort of bugged me how technology is defining our lives in this day and age; how people have become so dependent on computers, mobile phones, internet, and of course, Google. It's like we cannot live a day without those gadgets and manage our lives like how people in the past used to do everything - manually. People before used to write letters, though it takes time, have a chat face to face, go shopping in an actual mall, and so many more. But now, everything is done automatically, instantly, and conveniently.

I know it's sounds ironic that I am sharing my sentiments in one of the things that I said defines our lives. Might as well put it to good use, yeah? There are advantages and disadvantages of having to depend on technology, we just have to find the right balance in using it.

So back to the movie, it showed how such advancement in technology can totally ruin and/or change humanity when we completely rely on it to solve everything. Yes, it sure is amazing if we can find a cure for cancer, or save mother nature, but there will always be a cost to it. Everything does. I won't spoil the movie, but just a bit of something in the end, humans were able to re-adjust again to having a life without their iPhones, or computers and other gadgets that seems so necessary nowadays.

And it's just saddening to see the change in our everyday life. People don't talk on the train and would just look at their phones and check Facebook, tweeting every 5 minutes of what you are doing- falling in line, getting cheeseburgers and a shake, and taking a picture of the said burger and shake to upload in Instagram before eating. Everything is being transferred from your own life to the life you have in your social network. Unfortunately, sometimes, what you post in cyberspace that other people see isn't exactly what it is in the real world. Consciously or not, we filter what we post in our pages the way we want other people to perceive us - happy, fun, cool, and living it. But we don't post the ugly stuff that goes behind. I mean, who would be interested in that, right?

To keep this blog post short, just watch the video I posted to see how technology really affects us.

Hope you get what I'm saying. :)

Xo,

L.

Yes, I am back.

Okay. So it's been a quarter through the year since I wrote. Work has been crazy and demanding that I don't even have time to do anything else. Seriously. But now that I managed to have a spare time (thanks to my family who woke me up at 5am!) and finally pushing myself to stop being lazy and just update this blog for Pete's sake (who's Pete? lol). So, now that I am doing it, what should I write about?

I guess since it's summer, I might as well write about mine. Well, at least the spare time that is the weekend for us who are working. :(

Prior to the beach season, me and my sister enrolled ourselves in a new sport. Not just to lose weight and all, but also to be fit and have a least a bit of an exercise and work out since we are getting older and prone to health complications. Plus, I do want to have that beach bod before we go to Boracay. lol. So I do tennis over the weekend for an hour or two. Sucks tho that since I've been busy, I missed two weeks already. And I so can't wait to be back in the court. Trust me, you think tennis is hard? It is! But it's definitely interesting how it's not just your arm that gets worked out, but your whole body too. It needs hand-feet-body coordination which I totally suck at. Haha. So far, I am still a newbie but I am getting there.

After such a long time of dreaming and wanting to study in a fashion school, I finally had the guts to enroll in a class this summer! Plus the guts to borrow money from my dad. lol. Me and my officemate are taking up a Fashion Merchandising class every Saturdays until next month. It's such an amazing experience being back in school and learning again. Not to mention having to study for exams and doing home works and activities. Yup, just like college. lol.

And so, my weekend is as always, packed. Not to mention I went to Baguio before Holy week, and went to work during Maundy Thursday. Sucks, I know. At least I will get paid double! Staying on the bright side never hurt.

As May kicks in, I've got more and more adventures to begin and I am looking forward to it. Boracay, last few weeks 'til my class ends and then on to... GRAD SCHOOL! I never thought I would also push through with this. I mean, this is just one of those things that I said I wanted to do back in college. But now that I am about to, I don't know what to feel. All the more, I don't know how the heck am I gonna manage my time between work and school and life. Guess I'll have to sacrifice not being able to see my friends nor much of my family. I have to say goodbye to my New York trip until I get to save up for both school and a plane ticket. Well, I chose this so I better deal with it. Life isn't perfect but I'll try to make the most out of it. :)

Xo,

L.