I tolerate curiosity

Friday, November 30

Pay it forward

Last night, me and my friends watched a movie called "Pay It Forward" starring Haley Joel Osment, Kevin Spacey and Helen Hunt. It's an old movie, I know, but it's something that we can apply even in this day and age.

It's about a 7th-grader named Trevor (Osment), who was given an assignment by his new social studies teacher Mr. Simmonet (Spacey) to think of an idea that could actually change the world. For most of the kids, it seemed just like any other home works, hypothetical and just that - an idea. While for Trevor, he took it seriously and planned out a very inspiring idea - PAYING IT FORWARD.

Paying it forward means that you do some favor to three people who really need it. You do something good for them without expecting anything in return but for them to pay it forward to three more people each. It's like how the networking or pyramid-ing business works. Until more and more people are paid and they do good to others again and again.

And as said earlier in the movie, it this world where everything was crap, it was such a utopian idea that's impossible to happen. But Trevor proved it wrong when he helped three people: Jerry, a stranger he picked up who used to be an addict, Arlene (Hunt), his mom who has an alcohol problem, and his teacher, Mr. Simmonet. And when he did, little did he know what from his simple idea became such a movement that inspired so many people and made a great difference in their lives.

Yes, it seemed so easy to say that we can help other people and do good. But when we try to actually do it, it's like there's always something that's pulling us back to do it. Be it fear, doubt or anything, it's those important things that we seem to hold back from. We do everything but that which, who knows, might actually be the push that other people are waiting for for them to change their lives. That one moment which will move them to turn 180 degrees for the better.

Wouldn't that be an amazing feeling? To be able to change someone's life whether you are close to them or not. With just one action, you have actually changed someone's future. It's quite a pressure, but don't feel the need to be. Just do it, whether it may or may not end in the way you wanted it to, or they might not even be grateful for what you did, at least you did it anyway.

I don't want to spoil the movie for those who haven't watch it yet, and that's to encourage you as well to take a moment and watch this inspiring story. If a young boy can change the world, what more if we, too, try? Three words: Pay. It. Forward. :)


Thursday, November 29


It is stressful to be responsible all the time, especially if you have got a lot of responsibilities on your hand. It really drains you out. Sometimes you'd just want to go away from all of it for a moment, take a time off and pull yourself back together. It's so stressful that it takes the life out of you, but that's how it's meant to be. Responsibilities came to be, in my opinion, to give priority over important things that has an immediate and big effect on those that are depending on it. So much for pressure, right?

Let's admit it, it's hard to take responsibilities, all the more to be responsible about it. I just wonder why some people don't find it a bit important to see to it that they do their responsibilities? How they could just slack off and let other people do the work for them? And how lucky these people are because there are some who are responsible enough to not let other people's irresponsibility affect everyone else, thus taking in their responsibility as their own.

A conversation with a friend got me thinking, why can't the world really be equal? Why can't people treat each other in an equal standing as themselves? Must there always be superiority and inferiority, aside from political and familial hierarchy, in every society?

I know we humans are such complex beings that even if I ask, "Why do people who feel inferior voluntarily submit themselves to someone more superior than them?" or "What right do the people who feel superior act all high and mighty to those who are below their level?", there wouldn't be a concrete answer better than because that's who we are.

I guess I'm just thinking that maybe it's one's superiority/ inferiority is related to how they see and act on the responsibilities given to them. Some who might feel they're better than the others think they could get other people do the work for them because they seem overqualified for such a task and instead leave it be and let others take the responsibility to finish it. Take for example the characters in the movie Bride Wars, or Something Borrowed. Between two best friends, despite them being so close together that they might as well be biologically-related, one is inferior and the other is superior than the other. One gives in to the crazy demands of the other. One takes care of the mess that the other leaves behind. See how the superior one can do whatever she (FYI, the main characters in both the movies are women, thus the pronoun) wants without the care in the world? It's because she knows that someone is there to take the fall and be the responsible one. There will always be that best friend who is forever disciplined, so much that she can handle being stern for the both of them while the other is carefree.

But just like in the movies, the inferior one bursts out when she's had enough to take care of and fights for her freedom. She realizes her own responsibilities are to be prioritized and that her best friend could start learning to carry her own baggage. It's such an empowering moment that I will always admire. Those who stand up to those who makes them feel inferior, or over those who are so full of themselves thus acting all high and mighty. It makes me feel that justice is served.

It's not that I'm into the egalitarian thing, but at least in the sense of people being equally responsible in their actions and their works, I am. I guess I'm wishing on a shooting star that everyone should be leveled when it comes to their sense of responsibilities. That they should consider first what other people feel or how would their irresponsibility affect others. But then again, we are who we are.


Monday, November 26

A life full of choices and chances

Have you ever done something in the past that you wished you can change? That if given the chance, you'll choose a different path than the present and imagine what could've been? I did, a lot of times actually, but yesterday, I understood that everything really happens for a reason. And that we might not be able to change the past, we can still change our future. God gave us that chance to choose how we do it.

There are some things that I've regretted of doing or not doing. I always thought, if I could go back in time, I'll definitely change what was in the past and even think of what could've been my future, a better future than what I have now. But of course, the past is now only part of our memory and no matter how many times you play it over and over inside your head, it won't change a thing.

As I've written in my previous post, I know we all have sinned and are unworthy of His love. But merciful as He is, He accepts us completely and loves us unconditionally. That no matter what we have done in the past, a bright future full of hope and love await. Yesterday was an affirmation of His greatness for me.

While I was at the South Luzon Youthfest (a big event of our community), God has once again spoke to me which made me really change my perspective. It's not as intense as the last time, but it's as amazing as He is. He really is a God of perfect timing. And only He knows what really is the best for us.

I have been down the wrong path a lot of times, and I have come back to Him after all of those moments and yesterday, while helping at the backstage for the program, I realized that He has given me another chance to excel in what He wants me to do - work behind the scenes. I did, and it was such an amazing experience that I can never forget.

During the first Youthfest, when I was still full of doubts and burdens, I did my part only with the motivation of getting it done and over. I felt so tired and frustrated with everything that's going on and just did the task. Well, you know what happened afterwards. LOL. And it's just so amazing that by attending in another Youthfest, I was able to get a second chance of doing what He wanted me to do, and do it excellently all for Him. Being able to attend was a blessing enough but He trusted me to do it again, now that He has my full attention and I have His love. I did what I could to help Him and the team share His message to other people by presenting it in something I am passionate about. And despite of feeling tired, I actually enjoyed it. He brought out once again my passion for doing what I love.

Yes we can never change our past, what's done is done. We've made so many mistakes and there's a chance that we might do it again in the future. But instead of dwelling in it, we must focus on doing better and surrender it to God. He is a God so full of chances. Not just a second chance, but third, fourth, fifth and so many more. His forgiveness is everlasting just like His love. We must make the most of the chances He gives us and choose the life that He has planned for us. In the end, it's still our decision whether to choose it or not. Better if we do right away, but if we don't, I guess that, too, is part of His great plan. To fall and learn until we learn to trust Him fully and love Him back, and only by then we choose the life He planned for us.


Saturday, November 24

Sometimes, Silence is Your Stand

It's hard to be in a position where you can do nothing but just stay silent about a situation you're involved in. It tears you apart knowing anything you say might 'cause the situation to get worse, and ruin everything. So instead, you stay silent.

And sometimes, it's a good decision to stay where you are, silent, and take it as your stand. It's not a cowardly thing to do nor a selfish stand. It's a wise act that saves everyone from more confusion and misunderstanding especially when the situation is too twisted and complicated that with one wrong move, everything at stake will be lost. It's the right thing to do when you know that it needs time and better understanding of the situation, a well-thought-off way to handle the matter, before finally facing it and say what you think, or feel, is right. And when that time comes, all you have to do is try your best to let your message come across the right way and hope that they will be open enough to see your point. It's no longer in your hand whether or not they will take it to heart and change. All you can do is just pray for them.


Saturday, November 17


So... this was saved in the drafts and wasn't posted. sorry about that. LOL. Read on anyway. :)

I can't seem to sleep even when my eyes are so heavy already. Thus I am writing what I realized tonight after such a whirlwind week.

It's been quite a good week actually. Having started with an amazing realization from God last Sunday, I still struggle to go back to being me again and control myself from doing things I know that are not pleasing to Him. It's hard, but I'm trying, really. And thankfully, I was able to enjoy the week thanks to the campus team, having fun and realizing so many things together was quite a refreshing experience after isolating myself for a while. Although I had to pay for it with the lack of sleep, had an average of 4 hours of sleep a night only. But moments like those are worth the eyebags. LOL.

Fast forward to this day (or should I say yesterday since it's past midnight lol), it became quite stressful with me thinking of a way to fix my schedule for the weekend since I suddenly had to work, I was frustrated as hell when my plan for the weekend was ruined. I was supposed to be free the whole day and can go early to Batangas with the team but since I had to work, I need to get left behind and ride on the next bus. And I'm pretty sure I'll be tired as hell when we get here, with the lack of sleep and all.

Going back, I've been trying to work out a plan of having to go to everything. I decided that I should just let it be and let Him do what He wants me to do and where He wants me to go. And after a stressful day, I had an early out from work and I decided to attend the mass since I kind of forgot to the past few days, which I wanna start doing everyday. I came early for the mass so I stayed, and just prayed. I was able to catch the novena, and then that's where it hit me again.

It says that even if we feel that we are most undeserving to be called His servants, we should not be discouraged but be strong instead. We should take it as our driving force to strive better, to live trying our best to follow His teachings and live out His works. No matter how many times we fail, let us use it as a learning experience and as a way to help share His message. But what happens is that we feel that we do not deserve His love. We'd rather stay in the dark and let the feeling of unworthiness eat us up, which make us do and feel worse. We forget how merciful our God is and how He forgives us as long as we surrender ourselves to Him.

It is just human nature to feel that way but upon accepting that Christ is with us makes all the difference.


Thursday, November 15

Faith Works Wonders

Since I've revived my blog a few days ago, I might as well take the chance to keep it running while I am still in the moment. lol. And last night, while having a household (for those who aren't familiar, it's sort of like a support group), our topic was about next year's theme of our community as well as the Church, towards the year of faith.

While our head was talking about it  and concluding the discussion, it suddenly came into my head that this is something worth writing about. Not just because of it being the theme and all nor because it was a good discussion last night. It was because God made me view it in a different way. Well, it's still the same but in a different context of how it is explained and what it means, for me.

So, Faith. Works. Wonders. Three words with big meanings behind all of it. But I'll just share what it meant to me when I came to hear it last night.

It's our belief in God. It's what we hold on to when things get tough. Hearing it last night, faith, for me, is the beginning of God's mighty love for us that will transform us and our lives will never be the same again. It's surrendering everything to Him - all the happiness, pain, dreams and desires - our whole life in general. Once we surrender it all, and let our faith guide us in our journey, the next word is about to begin.

It means actions. It's easy to have faith and to surrender it all. But actually doing it? Think again. Walking the talk is as hard as it is to control your craving when you're in a diet. lol. But really, it's hard to live a righteous life following His and proclaim and testify one's faith to everyone. Especially in this day and age where secularism and liberalism is widely promoted. Having to stand for one's faith is a life-long battle against oneself and the evil one who tempts you with all the earthly desires and possessions. So following your faith and doing His work in our lives, and to others as well, really means a lot and is really something to show how to fully surrender everything to Him.

To put it simply, it's seeing God's blessings in our lives, no matter how big or small. How He blesses us so much with His love by giving us something to appreciate the life He gave to us. From little things to enjoy to the miracles He shows us is truly worth all the hardships that we have to face. All that we need is to surrender it to Him.

See what I'm trying to say? Well, here's a simple equation to summarize my complicated thoughts:
Hope reading this helps you to appreciate your faith (or at least understand mine) in Him and see how truly blessed you are. :)

Monday, November 12

No other life like this.

Has it happened to you that moment where you suddenly realized something and everything made sense? Where you suddenly had that "Eureka!" moment and felt like you've solve the world's hunger problem? Have you ever thought that it was God who talked to you and put that information in your head at that perfect time? Spiritual matters or not? That it was Him who gave you that wisdom you never had before.

I did. And I never did expect that He will be talking to me in such a special way - right in front of me, face to face.

Okay, not literally, but figuratively and spiritually speaking, it was Him. I know it is.

Flashback to how I was before the Youthfest started (and ended), for the past few months, I've struggled with my spiritual growth - or lack of, I say. It's been really stressful with how busy I am at my workplace, how everything just kept piling and piling up. Work, family, service, social life, hobbies and sleep, there wasn't enough time for me to really have a talk with Him. Even my prayer time was screwed. I know it's such a cliche excuse to be busy, when I've got the time to do other things. But it's also because I didn't even took an effort into doing it. I chose to stay away from Him feeling ashamed that I have not been a good servant and even start to question and doubt my principles yet again.

Like what usually happens, heavy feelings are placed in me whenever a big community event is coming up. Tasks became obligations and obligations became a burden. It kept piling up until I can no longer handle the stress and the pressure and all I can do is sulk by myself thinking no one can help me. I started questioning what's the point of all these things that I'm doing. That why must I stress myself about it? Why can't I just leave it be? More and more reasons came to my mind that makes me want to run far away and forget everything. Even my dream that I realized was one of His dreams for me too became an escape. I treated it like I deserve it thus it must happen and it must go according to my plan. I was so absorbed into all the drama in my life that I forgot He existed. That He has the control over my life. That I needed Him to straighten out my problems. That only He can change my life.

With all these things going on inside my head, I thought yesterday was just an ordinary day for me. Yes it was the Youthfest but I was more eager for it to be done and over and get some rest. It had been a tiring day, doing all the tasks assigned to me, being busy going around etc. I wasn't interested in the whole thing.

But it did change me when I felt Him trying to talk to me. Trying to work it out against my brain and my rationality. While listening to the sessions and watching the performances, I knew deep down that all of it struck me. Some-if not most- are happening in my life right there and then. I knew that it was wrong and I knew that I have to change. I want to change. But there was this battle over my head just like in TV where there's an angel (or probably my consciousness) telling me to do the right thing and then there's this evil thing (I don't wanna say the "D" word because I feel it's too evil of a word lol) giving me questions to doubt like why change when you'll be back in the same spot a few months later? It's such a stressful argument and I don't know who to give the score to.

When I know that the latter was winning, since I know my heart wasn't even at the right posture for the occasion, it was where He proved to me that He will still fight for me and that He will never let go. That was when it was time for the exposition of the Holy Eucharist. Like the previous events, I know that it is a very important moment and that there will be a segment where the leaders will be going up on stage to have the privilege of being near Him. But I never knew that I, too, will be part of it. And just like before, I questioned if I should go up, if I even deserve to go up because there are others who are far more deserving, I'm sure. But since we must, I walked up and find my spot.

Right there and then I realized that He indeed was talking to me.

At that moment, He told me that "no matter if you do not forgive yourself for sinning, remember that I have already forgiven you. I have and always will be here for you. Never turn away because of your mistakes, be brave and learn from it. Let Me be your strength in times of pain and hardships. Hold on to Me as I hold on to you. Never forget that I love you the most." It may not be the exact words He did say to me but the point is, He is right there and after so many days and weeks of not hearing Him, He was there. It was so clear that it made me cry my heart out for Him. To say that I am really grateful for His mercy. And that I shall continue to strive hard to become who He wants me to be. Someone He will be proud of, or rather, I will be proud of to say that it was Him behind all of me. And that no matter what happens, even when I fall down and sin once again, I know that it will not matter because He will always be there for me to help me be better, to mold me to His own likeness, to use me to according to His will, to use my mistakes and lessons as an inspiration for others to know Him more, and to make me as a testimony of His great love for us.

Needless to say, I was brought back up by His love after that and He ended my day in a good way. I know that I am far from being healed and being who He wants me to be. I know there will be more challenges coming and I know that I will make mistakes and sin over and over, but I will strive to change and live out like Jesus Christ did, and eventually, share Christ's life and how He can change other people's lives like He did mine.


Friday, November 2

22 at 2012

So another year is about to pass and people are even saying the world will end just like those in the movies. It sounds ridiculous and I don't believe it. But if it does, I won't let it end without me having my birthday first. lol. Going for my 5th year of writing my wishlist this time (can't believe my blog's that old already and I haven't written that much. haha), turning 22 means I get to wish for 22 things. Just my own opinion though. Oh well, wishing Santa or someone else grants at least one. :)

1. 2013 Planner - Already looking for one as early as October but I couldn't find one as unique as my planner this year, thanks to my friends. lol. I'm getting CBTL's planner c/o  my friend Gam who's been collecting stickers for me. YAY!

2. A new Blackberry or iPhone - I wouldn't wish to change my phone but since it's been giving up on me, I think it's time to let it go after two years. :( Now switching to team iPhone! So very thankful for my dad to get me one, even if it's just a 4s. :)

3. External Hard Drive - Unfortunately, my new 1TB EHD broke while we were using it in the office. Lesson learned: never take it out from the house, ever. haha. I finally asked my dad to buy me one since I need to get my files in the office before they delete it. Have to pay him back though. *sigh*

4. Urbanears Plattan Headphones - Ever since I saw my cousin's pink one, I knew I had to have one. I'm not usually particular with having earphones or headphones, but this one is definitely a must have. I'd like the color berry or ocean, but I'm digging the denim so bad. lol

5. iPad Hard case - Our (my) iPad needs protection that's really tough. Already broke the smart case so yeah. But I want it to be cute too. Was able to buy a cute envelope case for it during my birthday which I thought would be my parents' gift. But I had to buy it myself instead. #FAIL 

 6. Camera Lens - A wish that I never get to prioritize, but I'd like to have one at least for my AE-1. Her lens now is just to big. haha. Oh and I need to have it fixed as well. :(

7. Camera Bag - Bringing my camera is such a hassle for me. I don't like to bring another bag for it to keep it but I don't like to keep it unprotected. So might as well bring a bag that's something cute. If not, a pouch will do so I can put it in my bag. haha.

8. Fujifilm Instax mini films - I recently bought an instax mini camera and it's really cute and awesome with how the photos look instantly nostalgic after taking it. One have a few films left of it and I wanted to have more memories taken with it. Those cute frames are cool too! :)

9. Fashion books - I'm starting to collect more of them now and I want to learn as much as I can if I wanted to continue pursuing this industry and try to make a career. It's quite expensive though. :( Special thanks to kuya Kevin who bought it for me as his exchange gift. hehe.

10. Black Leather Jacket - Just wanted one even if I know I wouldn't be able to wear it that much  being our country is always so sunny and hot. 


11. Dr. Martens Black Boots - Wanted to have a legit pair of boots for the same reason above. haha. And yeah, rocker/ biker chick is my kind of style. But not always. ;) Reserved a pair and I got it at 50% off! Legit boots for 2013! :))

12. Black Loafers - One I already got but it is part of my wish list so I'm still listing it down. :)

13. Gold Watch - Never had a gold one and I really find it elegant and sophisticated even if that's the only jewelry you're wearing.

14. Jewelry Box/ Organizer - I don't have that much of accessories, but mine is enough to make our dresser full. I did made some improvising to keep it together but I still need something to put everything in. Got one during our office Christmas party. Thank you, Lyza!

15. Orly Black Matte Nail Polish - I wanted to try those matte nail polish and black seems like a good color to try it out. :)

16. Pilot G-Tech C3 Black - Got 3 of it last year and guess what, I lost all of it. I'm such a klutz. And most likely I'll get one of this again since it's the only cheap thing in my list. lol.

17. Minionssss - I can't get enough of 'em! Seeing one will always make my day. They're my favorite cartoon (are they considered one? lol) characters. EVER. These cupcakes are one of the cutest. But it's too cute to eat. haha. Got a knitted keychain minion as a gift from a friend who makes me minion cut outs! :)

18. Getting a birthday greeting from Ian Somerhalder - Okay, I know this will never happen in my lifetime, well, for 3 years already. But hey, a girl can still dream right? :))

So this is the part where I start wishing for places to go to. I'm listing these down for myself. To keep it as a goal to reach by next year. But of course, you can help me make it happen. :)

19. Beach trip - Never been in one for over a year. And I miss the feeling of sand in my feet and watching the sun rise and set is just so romantic. #kbye

20. Go back to Bangkok - I wanted to visit my friends over there and really immerse myself with their culture. There won't be any shopping this time. Or maybe just a little bit. :P

21. 2013 World Youth Day in Brazil - So this one is a bit hard to accomplish and a lot more expensive. Well, if it's His will for me to go, then it will happen. :) Okay, I may not be able to get this but what I got is waaay better! Scroll down to find out!

And last but not the least...

22. A plane ticket to New York City - Never mind everything I wrote above, this is what I really want. I don't want it to be just a dream, thus wishing for a plane ticket seems much more concrete. And I'll see to it that it will happen. Help me make this come true, please?  :) It's finally coming trueeee! My dad got me a ticket back to New York! And I'm gonna be staying there for quite a while! Yes! I can't believe it! I'm beyond blessed! :)

In the end, it's all just wishes that I hope to come true. But what will matter more are those who will make it real for me. :)