I tolerate curiosity

Sunday, November 16

Before I think too deeply

I've just recently realized that Christmas is coming, and so is my birthday. Yet as I grow older, I seem to care less about it both. Either because I'm too busy to notice or too scared to admit that I am getting older, or both. And I think that's because this past year has been quite a confusing moment for me. Quite like a pre-quarter life crisis, if there is such a thing. Or maybe this is my quarter life crisis already. Hmm.

As this year comes to an end, I still do not know where to begin for the next nor know where to pick myself up from as I am as lost as to where I am now or where I am going. It just sucks that even if I do have a hint of what I really want, this me, this person who I've become, isn't letting me move forward and go walk towards my dreams. Along with all my doubts, fears, insecurities, and all my crap, I am not able to move beyond this rut that I am in, and what's more, I'm starting to feel settled. And I am so scared of myself having to settle with this and just dream what could have been if I were to push forward. Or maybe, I am just aiming too high, for the impossible, that what's really meant for me is just this. That those aren't really something that's for me. That I should be contented with what I have going on right now. See my dilemma? It's so freaking confusing and frustrating to fight against myself with these questions every single day of my life. Thus, I am really not ready yet to face the truth that I am getting older and in reality, getting older means getting your shit together, which I clearly do not have any chance of improvement.

I wish I could just escape and write forever. Or just read and watch love stories. They aren't perfect, but mostly get their happy ending. (lolwhat)


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