I tolerate curiosity

Saturday, June 21

The way it used to be

Do you miss the moments where everything just seem so perfect? It's as if your life is perfect and couldn't get any better? And I know it did. But having experienced the highs in life makes you compare those that aren't of the same equivalent level of happiness or even makes some unfortunate experience seem worse than it really is. 

Such are the moments when we have so much of everything that when it is taken away, you feel like life would never be the same without it.

And it just eats you up knowing you don't have that much anymore. You wish you do or know you will get them back in the future that you tend to look forward to that ideal and compare the present with it. Of course, it keeps you seeing the present as something temporal which you have to deal with while you get back up again. 

It's sucks to think like that because you miss out on the things that you currently have without those that you ideally want. And you'll never notice how these things may worth more than you want. And through highs and lows, what you hve now will still be there even if the highs are gone.

I know it doesn't make any sense. But maybe it does?


Saturday, June 14

Random thought 06-14

Lately I've been having a hard time accepting and transitioning towards the real situation that's going on in my life - growing up. I've been so used to the comfortable life that I've had since I was young and now it seems like everything's gone serious all of a sudden. All the things that I'm thinking about are the things that worries me. Things that I never even had to take care of before. Now it's all up in there in my to-do list. 

But on top of the list right now is to understand myself and look for who I really am. I know what kind of person I want to become, but if I'm not meant to be one, then what now? I'm telling myself to be more mature but it ends up me being all childish and succumbing to my impulses and insecurities. Growing up is not easy. If it was, then I wouldn't even be sulking and wandering the world seeking for answers. 

I'm sure what I wrote above doesn't make sense. That's kind of my life right now. Everything is all in there waiting for me to decide which to follow and what to do. But like I said before, I am torn apart by the thought of who I want be and who I am meant to be. It's hard to move forward without knowing any chances of getting there and it's too much of a risk to only end up failing in the future, which is one of the things that scares me the most. I am so afraid to fail at life that I want to know the answers about who I am and what I am meant to do. I care too much about it that it eats me up and hides me behind my old childish self that only cares about herself. 

I know who I am right now but the me now is not who I want to be. And I am sure that I am also not meant to be like this. However, if this is a part of who I am becoming, then I have no choice but to force myself to be different. I know that would be going against fate or whatever but I would definitely try to become someone better than my current self.

For now, I shall just end this with a photo of me not looking so young anymore (thanks to the power of cosmetics. lol). Do I look 23 now? :P


Saturday, June 7

Random thoughts (in the morning) 06-07

Lately, I've been having this feeling in me that something is missing in my life, aside from sleep, that is. Not that I'm not grateful or anything, but, it's just doesn't make me feel happy. My head's all filled up with things that I've gotta do and the list is long. Balancing work and school is really tough but I'm okay with that. It's not what I'm ranting about. I guess I just miss the times where life seems to be fun and easy. Now, everything's all serious and nothing seems to make me contented nor make my mind at peace. There'll always be a part of me that's looking for something more.

I guess this is just me being lonely. Feeling that through all of this, I am alone and no one understands what I'm going through. Or maybe no one cares. Of all the things, I hate this the most. I hate that I am like this, that I am where I am because I chose this. But I know time will come where I'll be up in this depressing situation and be back to my usual self, which is kind of a problem too, by the way. Who am I, really? I've so many perception of what kind of person I really am but I don't know if I am all of those or it's just a perception of what I want, or who I'm trying to become. I thought I have found myself, or should I say, I've gotten a sense of a new part of me that I wanted to be, when I went away but what it only did to me was make me fat.

Right now, I am at a loss of what to do. Of who I should be. Things go against each other with what I want and who I have to be. Does it even makes sense? Can I even be in two worlds and live in between? Or choosing to be in both means I will never be contented and happy because I won't experience the best of both worlds? So I only have to choose one and just see the other world but not live it?

I just realized, writing this concretize the thoughts that's in my head for a while now. That's what I love about writing, it makes you think of what to write and you end up organizing your thoughts and understand yourself more in the process. But I still don't have an answer to my questions.