Lately, I've been having this feeling in me that something is missing in my life, aside from sleep, that is. Not that I'm not grateful or anything, but, it's just doesn't make me feel happy. My head's all filled up with things that I've gotta do and the list is long. Balancing work and school is really tough but I'm okay with that. It's not what I'm ranting about. I guess I just miss the times where life seems to be fun and easy. Now, everything's all serious and nothing seems to make me contented nor make my mind at peace. There'll always be a part of me that's looking for something more.
I guess this is just me being lonely. Feeling that through all of this, I am alone and no one understands what I'm going through. Or maybe no one cares. Of all the things, I hate this the most. I hate that I am like this, that I am where I am because I chose this. But I know time will come where I'll be up in this depressing situation and be back to my usual self, which is kind of a problem too, by the way. Who am I, really? I've so many perception of what kind of person I really am but I don't know if I am all of those or it's just a perception of what I want, or who I'm trying to become. I thought I have found myself, or should I say, I've gotten a sense of a new part of me that I wanted to be, when I went away but what it only did to me was make me fat.
Right now, I am at a loss of what to do. Of who I should be. Things go against each other with what I want and who I have to be. Does it even makes sense? Can I even be in two worlds and live in between? Or choosing to be in both means I will never be contented and happy because I won't experience the best of both worlds? So I only have to choose one and just see the other world but not live it?
I just realized, writing this concretize the thoughts that's in my head for a while now. That's what I love about writing, it makes you think of what to write and you end up organizing your thoughts and understand yourself more in the process. But I still don't have an answer to my questions.
Xo,
L.
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