I tolerate curiosity

Sunday, June 11

If I let you down

I'm sorry if there were times that I let you down. I'm sorry if you expected something from me and yet I didn't deliver. I'm sorry if I made a promise to you that I didn't keep. I'm so sorry. That's all I could say. I know I can't take it back anymore. I know I've already hurt you. But trust me when I say I didn't mean to. I, too, of course want to match your expectations. I, too, want to deliver. I, too, want to keep my promise. But a part of me, something very dark and deep, keeps me from doing so. Please don't ask me why can't I just overcome it and do it. That all I have to do is be motivated enough and I will be able to do it. It's not that easy. It's like a demon trying to control me and my actions, trying to hold me down from what I really wanted. And everyday, I try to battle it out with it just so I could live. Just so I could survive the day without disappointing you or anyone else further. It's an exhausting thing to do, really. And sometimes, it wins, thus, I let you down, I don't meet your expectations, I don't deliver, I break my promises. It's because during those days, I let it win over me. And it eats me up when I know I lost the battle, when I know I disappointed you. But do know that I am still fighting in this war, that I am trying my best to win. Not even for my sake, but for you.