Has it happened to you that moment where you suddenly realized something and everything made sense? Where you suddenly had that "Eureka!" moment and felt like you've solve the world's hunger problem? Have you ever thought that it was God who talked to you and put that information in your head at that perfect time? Spiritual matters or not? That it was Him who gave you that wisdom you never had before.
I did. And I never did expect that He will be talking to me in such a special way - right in front of me, face to face.
Okay, not literally, but figuratively and spiritually speaking, it was Him. I know it is.
Flashback to how I was before the Youthfest started (and ended), for the past few months, I've struggled with my spiritual growth - or lack of, I say. It's been really stressful with how busy I am at my workplace, how everything just kept piling and piling up. Work, family, service, social life, hobbies and sleep, there wasn't enough time for me to really have a talk with Him. Even my prayer time was screwed. I know it's such a cliche excuse to be busy, when I've got the time to do other things. But it's also because I didn't even took an effort into doing it. I chose to stay away from Him feeling ashamed that I have not been a good servant and even start to question and doubt my principles yet again.
Like what usually happens, heavy feelings are placed in me whenever a big community event is coming up. Tasks became obligations and obligations became a burden. It kept piling up until I can no longer handle the stress and the pressure and all I can do is sulk by myself thinking no one can help me. I started questioning what's the point of all these things that I'm doing. That why must I stress myself about it? Why can't I just leave it be? More and more reasons came to my mind that makes me want to run far away and forget everything. Even my dream that I realized was one of His dreams for me too became an escape. I treated it like I deserve it thus it must happen and it must go according to my plan. I was so absorbed into all the drama in my life that I forgot He existed. That He has the control over my life. That I needed Him to straighten out my problems. That only He can change my life.
With all these things going on inside my head, I thought yesterday was just an ordinary day for me. Yes it was the Youthfest but I was more eager for it to be done and over and get some rest. It had been a tiring day, doing all the tasks assigned to me, being busy going around etc. I wasn't interested in the whole thing.
But it did change me when I felt Him trying to talk to me. Trying to work it out against my brain and my rationality. While listening to the sessions and watching the performances, I knew deep down that all of it struck me. Some-if not most- are happening in my life right there and then. I knew that it was wrong and I knew that I have to change. I want to change. But there was this battle over my head just like in TV where there's an angel (or probably my consciousness) telling me to do the right thing and then there's this evil thing (I don't wanna say the "D" word because I feel it's too evil of a word lol) giving me questions to doubt like why change when you'll be back in the same spot a few months later? It's such a stressful argument and I don't know who to give the score to.
When I know that the latter was winning, since I know my heart wasn't even at the right posture for the occasion, it was where He proved to me that He will still fight for me and that He will never let go. That was when it was time for the exposition of the Holy Eucharist. Like the previous events, I know that it is a very important moment and that there will be a segment where the leaders will be going up on stage to have the privilege of being near Him. But I never knew that I, too, will be part of it. And just like before, I questioned if I should go up, if I even deserve to go up because there are others who are far more deserving, I'm sure. But since we must, I walked up and find my spot.
Right there and then I realized that He indeed was talking to me.
At that moment, He told me that "no matter if you do not forgive yourself for sinning, remember that I have already forgiven you. I have and always will be here for you. Never turn away because of your mistakes, be brave and learn from it. Let Me be your strength in times of pain and hardships. Hold on to Me as I hold on to you. Never forget that I love you the most." It may not be the exact words He did say to me but the point is, He is right there and after so many days and weeks of not hearing Him, He was there. It was so clear that it made me cry my heart out for Him. To say that I am really grateful for His mercy. And that I shall continue to strive hard to become who He wants me to be. Someone He will be proud of, or rather, I will be proud of to say that it was Him behind all of me. And that no matter what happens, even when I fall down and sin once again, I know that it will not matter because He will always be there for me to help me be better, to mold me to His own likeness, to use me to according to His will, to use my mistakes and lessons as an inspiration for others to know Him more, and to make me as a testimony of His great love for us.
Needless to say, I was brought back up by His love after that and He ended my day in a good way. I know that I am far from being healed and being who He wants me to be. I know there will be more challenges coming and I know that I will make mistakes and sin over and over, but I will strive to change and live out like Jesus Christ did, and eventually, share Christ's life and how He can change other people's lives like He did mine.
Xo,
L.
