Before I think too deeply

I've just recently realized that Christmas is coming, and so is my birthday. Yet as I grow older, I seem to care less about it both. Either because I'm too busy to notice or too scared to admit that I am getting older, or both. And I think that's because this past year has been quite a confusing moment for me. Quite like a pre-quarter life crisis, if there is such a thing. Or maybe this is my quarter life crisis already. Hmm.

As this year comes to an end, I still do not know where to begin for the next nor know where to pick myself up from as I am as lost as to where I am now or where I am going. It just sucks that even if I do have a hint of what I really want, this me, this person who I've become, isn't letting me move forward and go walk towards my dreams. Along with all my doubts, fears, insecurities, and all my crap, I am not able to move beyond this rut that I am in, and what's more, I'm starting to feel settled. And I am so scared of myself having to settle with this and just dream what could have been if I were to push forward. Or maybe, I am just aiming too high, for the impossible, that what's really meant for me is just this. That those aren't really something that's for me. That I should be contented with what I have going on right now. See my dilemma? It's so freaking confusing and frustrating to fight against myself with these questions every single day of my life. Thus, I am really not ready yet to face the truth that I am getting older and in reality, getting older means getting your shit together, which I clearly do not have any chance of improvement.

I wish I could just escape and write forever. Or just read and watch love stories. They aren't perfect, but mostly get their happy ending. (lolwhat)

Xo,
L.

Random thought 10-10

Seems like I still dream of the moment I will meet that special person for me. And it seems like it's becoming more of just a dream as time goes by. But I'll never lose hope that one day, he will. And a whole new journey filled with adventures, good or bad, await us. I don't care if it's gonna be a long time waiting, I just sure wish it's gonna be worth everything. Or even better than what I've dreamt of.

But yes I do think about it almost everyday. Almost. 

Xo,

L.

Random thoughts 09-20

I've longed for the day to finally meet the person I will be falling in love with and I know that he won't be coming anytime soon so long until everything in my life will fall into place and he will be the last rose petal to drop. I know I've got to find myself first, come clean with my baggages and get it together before he arrives. And I know it will be a really long wait. But I've got no choice than to deal with it. And like the child that I am, I tend to become impatient, insecure and afraid of the uncertainty of him really ever coming. Still, I am proud to say that I never did anything (bad, I mean) to distract myself while he's on his way. I am doing the best I could to be the best version of myself. But to no avail, I have yet to gain a step closer. Therefore, it goes to my conclusion that it'll take some time before he gets here. And I have yet to know what will happen when it does. And it scares me. 

Xo,

L.

The way it used to be

Do you miss the moments where everything just seem so perfect? It's as if your life is perfect and couldn't get any better? And I know it did. But having experienced the highs in life makes you compare those that aren't of the same equivalent level of happiness or even makes some unfortunate experience seem worse than it really is. 

Such are the moments when we have so much of everything that when it is taken away, you feel like life would never be the same without it.

And it just eats you up knowing you don't have that much anymore. You wish you do or know you will get them back in the future that you tend to look forward to that ideal and compare the present with it. Of course, it keeps you seeing the present as something temporal which you have to deal with while you get back up again. 

It's sucks to think like that because you miss out on the things that you currently have without those that you ideally want. And you'll never notice how these things may worth more than you want. And through highs and lows, what you hve now will still be there even if the highs are gone.

I know it doesn't make any sense. But maybe it does?

Xo,

L.